Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
About Me
- John McManamy
- I am an award-winning author and mental health journalist. I have been writing about mood disorders since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1999, ranging from a website, an email newsletter, a book, articles for HealthCentral, and this blog. More recently, I have been producing videos. Writing about my illness has played a very strong role in my healing and recovery. Writing allows me to come to terms with my past, gives meaning to my present, and gives me the courage to face the future with hope.
The only thing that stopped me committing suicide was the extreme distress it would cause my family and friends...especially my nieces and nephews...why has auntie Lizzie done this..is it my fault? I no longer thought I served any useful purpose in this world and that every-one would be better off without me..a contradiction to the above I know.
ReplyDeleteI cry as i write this, to think I could have done this to them and what damage it would have caused.
Children are essential sometimes. This was 10 years ago, I am no longer suicidal. I hope if I am again the above thoughts will stop me a second time
At Long last Healing
ReplyDeleteI used to be a writer. I just quit one day. I hadn't honestly really completed much of anything in years but someone made a comment about how ..silly writing was as an art...it wasn't in those exact words but I suddenly felt that thing that I enjoyed doing was really just another unacceptable thing about me and I hid that talent inside me. I have found that journaling helped me more than almost anything else but of course I would trash my journals immediately for fear thaty someone would learn my inner most thoughts and know how crazy I really was. I think, that maybe now it will be okay to write again. I hope so.
Hundreds, maybe thousands of pages I have read, searching for hope, an answer or even a bread crumb. I'm afraid our only hope that this twisted-typhoon of realities steady itself, might solely be through me. His capture by his own mind has picked up speed, verocity and casualties like the black plague. I know there is a way to stability for all, but not all may find that. I read success stories online often. Some, who have not yet found their way-at least my spouse.....I'm so sad to say- can hardly find his way to a shower or a comb most days. The other days, when he's the second coming....welll, of course, he knows more then us all..learning is for mortals..., I'm the devil holding him captive and money is green, pink & white......Except no one here has ever collected One Hundred Dollards for passing go.
ReplyDeleteThe psychiatrists he's seen barely speek, let alone return my phone calls when he's at either extreem. As he progressivly gets worse, his capabilities wein and his stronpoints have almost vanished. He feels the Doctors are more like drug dealers and I feel like no professional will care unless one of us is in the ER. What's the worst part? I may soon be faced with the gut wrenching, come to Jesus moment where I must save our 2 yr old twin daughters and myself. Will that save him or kill him? Wake him up or deliver the final blow?
This particular BP 1 w/ psychosis household, is nearing half past too late and this 'loved one' is on her knees praying for "Creative Destruction" within the medical cult...ure. Their passiveness & abuse of trust becomes my nightmare and my Daughters foundation for pain. So like you DID, I'm screaming.......DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND?HE'S NOT NORMAL. HE NEEDS YOUR HELP RIGHT NOW!
Hope the guy above got himself sorted? I love writing in my spare time :-)
ReplyDeleteThe part of this story that resonated with me was Mac's description of how his world had changed, how it would never be the world he once knew. And when he realized he knew he knew.
ReplyDeleteI was probably 9 or 10 years old when it happened. For years, my adoptive parents sought to improve my behavior by beating me with "the belt". My older sister, acting on our parent's cues, exercised the same liberties over me using just her fists. I had run away several times, only to return to more of the same. That's about the time my world "shifted".
It was summer, I was mowing the lawn when my entire perspective took an abrupt 90 degree shift. Everything I looked at was the same, color, shape, size, but the position, the orientation was exactly 90 degrees to the left. Suddenly, everything looked new! Nothing reminded me of the endless list of eggs I had to look out for.it was a "peak experience". I remember feeling happy, even joyous for the first time. Nothing reminded me of the "other"
RIP Kevin. God please have mercy.
ReplyDeleteI can't put it any better than sixty9tea. I am so very sad to hear about Kevin I have lost friends to suicide & have contemplated it myself, so many times. The thing that stopped me was knowing what it would do to my family. I guess whether we do it or not depends on how far down the slope we slide & that is probably beyond our control. I am resisting taking the drugs prescribed for me (I'm not convinced by what I've read) that that is the solution. I have just been diagnosed bi polar (age 55). It's all so complex, who can save who? I just hope that I can improve on my ability to listen & understand that those who attack me (verbally) in my family are also reacting from pain, vulnerability, frustration etc.. Animal instinct makes for the stronger attacking the weaker. What can we do about nature.
ReplyDeleteWith tears I consider the pain this young man must have suffered, and I understand the intense desire to get just a little relief. It probably was in one of his deep valleys of despair, and impulsively he took the closest way out of his pain. I'm so sorry for the ones he left to suffer their own pain at his loss. That shows me once again that none of us know the pain a "smile" is hiding, and how important it is to give hugs and encouragement to each person we meet, letting them know they are valuable.
ReplyDeleteI am deeply saddened to learn that a fellow person with Bipolar has taken their life. My heart sank to read about this incredible tragedy. "May flights of angles lead thee to they rest"
ReplyDelete