Depression - A Quick Introduction
Depression isn't the word for it. We're talking about a condition that can take over your mind, rob you of your dignity, deprive you of all the joyful offerings of life ...
Depression - A Closer Look
You know you're depressed. Your brain has just crashed. ...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
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"Deprived of the joyful offerings of life......" Well having reached the grand old age of 46, married, 2 kids, and feeling blank, detached, remote, to a greater or lesser extent, for the past 20 years that single phrase is "me" though to be honest I struggle to feel that there is a "me" in any abstract sense. Yes, I know there's a me there... he's usually in a mirror somewhere as I walk by and he talks to people and does things, but in the electric blancmange that sits between my ears I have no sense of "me". I have always been a loner and I can't say that pleasure has been something I've a great deal of experience of. I don't "experience" life, life just happens around me and I tend to do what needs to be done to get the money in the bank each month. That is, when, recently, I'm not trying to determine what's wrong.
ReplyDeleteLooking at the statistics in A Closer Look.... I'd say I was in all apart from sleep affected. Work, motivation, relationships, social activities, all suffer. Common features connecting these, long experience shouts at me seem to be emotions and reward, both non-understood abstractions to my concrete nuts-and-bolts mind. 20 years ago, and probably more, I was wondering what do feelings feel like. Still waiting. After my son was born I was asked what it was like being a dad..... I couldn't say. The corresponding box in my mind had nothing in it.
I sometimes get a buzz from being around people, but soon my mind is elsewhere, maybe as it can't cope with the demands being put on it, and the thin veneer of sociability is replaced by a sort of emptiness as I once again look inwards.
I do wonder about one thing. I was born in Oct 1962, the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the end of the world was nigh. Maternal stress just before birth?? Who knows.
I thought I knew something about depression, especially since I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have suffered from a multitude of depressive symptoms since early childhood due to abandonment issues with my father, humiliation at the hands of inpatient school teachers during my earlier elementary years due to language/cultural limitations and assimulation into the american culture, sexual abuse @ the hands of older kids during the age of 5-8 years old and the off-spring of a distorted self-image due to self-esteem issues that rested somewhere between non-existent and never was. Based on my personal experience with biopsychosocial issues and PTSD from an M-16 gun shot wound in my early 20's while serving my country, depression has been a life-long and constant companion in my life. I just read your 4 articles on depression only to discover that the more I read about this subject the less I seem know (or is that my depression telling me that). In the mean time, I will continue to read the rest of your articles in hope that some of the fog will lift, giving me a much clearier picture of what goes on inside my brain and how to deal with my feelings, emotions and behaviors on a daily basis. Oh, and by the way, some of us do listen to what you are saying. Thank you for sharing your experience, strenght and hope with your readers. B.G.J.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your candid and accessible explanations of depression. As you state: everyone, depending upon life circumstances, can have bad times and be depressed about it! However, when the condition persists and life has lost its joy or meaning, it is time to look at a serious "course correction." Depression can truly be a wake up call to learn and do things differently
ReplyDelete"In the meantime, our depression-fueled inner mother-in-law is telling us that we only have ourselves to blame".
ReplyDeleteJohn - I love this. Identifying that inner tormentor as my inner mother-in-law (who is actually very nice) might just be the strategy I need.
After all, I've never let anything my Mother-in-law says make any difference to anything...
So glad I came across your site. Love your knowledge, humour and understanding!!
ReplyDeleteWow! I now realize the many different types of Depressions that I have (all). I look forward to reading your book and learning more.
ReplyDeleteThank you!